*Dad, you might want to skip this one.
This morning I stood in front of my mirror, nearly naked, just looking at my body.
If the thought of standing naked in front of your full length mirror makes you uncomfortable (like it used to do to me), you should do it. This has been an important part of desexualizing my own naked body and also learning to love it. I look at it every single morning in the mirror and actively love it, right now, as it is.
I have big, heavy breasts. I started wearing a bra in 4th grade. They hang down because of genetics and gravity.
This morning I did something I haven’t done in a while* and I picked them up to see what I would look like if I had gravity-defying breasts. And for the first time I didn’t feel “hotter” or “sexier” or “better.” I just felt like a women with fistfuls of her own boob fat. I thought, “The deprogramming was a success!”
There is no right way to display boob fat, is what I’m saying.
*Back before COVID, I used to hoist my boobs up nearly every day into a bra. I haven’t had to do that in a while (almost a whole month!), and I haven’t missed it. I used to feel shame about how my boobs don’t naturally sit where society says they should. I used to feel shame about my lack of desire to shove them up into an underwire bra (literally women are holding their breasts up with WIRE).
Then, once, standing on the second story of a cabin at a Young Life leaders retreat, I had a revelation – This is where and how my body wants to be, so why should I try to change that using uncomfortable clothing?
Some people love the transformative power of clothing. I love watching those people compete on reality TV shows. They are impressive and creative visionaries. I am not one of those people. I am, more and more, letting my body be exactly as she wants to be. The deprogramming continues to be a success.