#1. He won’t leave. In this ex-pat life I lead, people are constantly coming and going. Generally I take this as it comes – encouraging newbies, celebrating new beginnings, calling out growth, and then sending people off to whatever is next. But sometimes that Facebook status or that blog post announcing that yet another individual or family that I love is moving away from this place that I love hits me right in the gut. Most recently, a family I love announced their move back to the States and I crumbled. I was mad and hurt and annoyed. I was, of course, thinking only of how this move would impact myself, and after hearing about what God has done and is doing and is setting this awesome family up to do, I was able to celebrate and praise with them. But that getting punched in the gut sucks enough to know that I want and need people who are going to be here. It’s why I am honestly not investing that much time in young twenty somethings who are here for three months. Sorry. And it’s why I want a husband – someone who is going to stay.
#2. I’m not Wonder Woman. I’ve been a fan of the Gilmore Girls for over a decade. I love the quick wit and the sass and the smarts. Of course, when the episodes were first airing, I related to Rory. I was wooed by Dean, then disgusted by Dean, then in love with Jess. I thought Luke was too old to be hot. Now, as a near-thirty single woman, I watch the show and am right there with Lorelai. Now, I realize that while Jess is definitely hot, he’s a punk with a bad attitude and Rory is a selfish brat who doesn’t often think through her decisions (like mother, like daughter unfortunately). Now, I am crushing hard on the steady and dependable Luke. Now, I realize how incredibly incredible and amazing it is that Sookie St. James’ weight was never mentioned not once and how instead she got to be a businesswoman and a girlfriend and a wife and a mother and be so funny doing all of it.
There is one scene in particular in the seven series show that I especially relate to these days. Lorelai and Sookie are balls deep in setting up their new inn. (I’m not sure why I chose to use the phrase “balls deep” for possibly the first time in my life right then, but we’re gonna go with it.) Sookie also has a new baby and Michel went to a Celine Dion concert and Lorelai is trying to do too many things at once and she just physically can’t. She is exhausted and worn out and lonely. She gives Luke this speech:
“I’m lucky, I know. I just… I feel like I’m never gonna have it… the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but… I really want it – the whole package.”
I’m tearing up typing it up right now, because some days I feel like I’m never gonna have “it – the whole package” either. (It’s taking a lot of self control not to make a dirty joke about a “package” right now.) Some days I feel like it will always only be me, herding the dogs and paying the bills and calling the plumber and painting the guest room. I hate admitting it because my faith is bigger than my fears and because we don’t need no man (that’s what God said to me when He told me to move to Jarabacoa). I also hate admitting it because I AM Wonder Woman, you know? And so was Lorelai! And so are you! But I really want it – the whole package.
#3. I like my body. Are you tired of reading it, yet? Because I’m not tired of saying/typing/writing/singing it. I like my body! And as a woman who weighs well over 200 pounds, that’s kind of a cool thing. I like my body and recently I’ve felt the desire to share it with someone. Not in a base, carnal, sexual way – although that exists, too, because I am a human – but in an intimate, relational way. It’s kind of like, in a weird way, how I want to share the show Raising Hope with everyone around me. Have you watched Raising Hope? It’s so funny and so great and awesome and I enjoy it and I think you would, too! That’s how I want to share my body with someone. My body is so great and awesome and I enjoy it and I know that one lucky guy out there would, too! Okay so, it’s not totally like the way I share shows, because my body is not for everyone, like Raising Hope is, but I like to share things I like with people I like. You know?
I spent a lot of years wanting a husband for a lot of reasons – mostly to have a hot guy to make out with and to somehow validate my worthiness as a woman (gag me – about the finding worth in a man, not about the making out with a hot guy; that still sounds nice) – but growing up and growing into the life that God has for me right here and right now has adjusted my desire for a husband. Not lessened it or erased it, which is how I know I have one out there somewhere, but refined it and reshaped it. These three reasons are why I can wait, why I can be content in the waiting, why I’m not ACTUALLY WAITING, but rather living my life in obedience and bravery and faithfulness and fun every day no matter what my relationship status.
My life is full. My God is enough. A husband would be the cherry on top, the icing on the cake. And, if I do say so myself, these are three pretty great reasons to want that cherry icing.