Self Talk

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When I stopped working at the hostel in May the hostel owners and I talked about the possibility of me working part time doing some administrative stuff once I got settled in my teaching job. Well, the time has come and this past weekend I did a few hours of hostel work (not to be confused with hostile work, which this wasn’t). I worked for six hours and the crazy thing is I actually enjoy this kind of work. I’m sending emails, syncing up calendars, making things uniform, and organizing an email inbox with over 1,000 emails. Literal dream come true.

I imagine that when people talk about their dream job or tell people to do what they love, they are imagining someone taking a chance on their music or putting in the hard work to be an astronaut, not organizing someone else’s email. But it takes all kinds and sure, the musician or the astronaut might be doing all of the adventurous stuff, but you better believe it’s because someone is behind them syncing up their calendars. You’re welcome.

Anyway. This morning I got an email from the hostel owner asking about a mistake that I apparently made and the consequential double bookings (hostel manager/owner nightmare). I don’t remember making the mistake, but I also don’t remember lots of things that people tell me I did. That sounds way more serious than it is – I just have an unreliable memory. I think it’s because I spend a lot of time in worlds that aren’t real so sometimes I have trouble distinguishing what actually happened from what happened in a book or on a TV show or in a dream. Anyway, I obviously did something, so right away I got to fixing the problem.

Then I started to beat myself up about it. How could you do that? Now someone suffered because of your mistake and had to have uncomfortable conversations with people just trying to book a room at the hostel. It’s not even worth it to have you do work for the hostel if you’re just going to mess it up.

That was my self talk! Isn’t it terrible? Please write down or type up your self talk. It always looks so much worse written down and we shouldn’t be talking to anyone that way, not even ourselves.

Fortunately, I know this – that I shouldn’t be talking that way to myself. I also know that one of my recent goals is to chill out and calm down and stop getting so worked up. Also, the Spirit lives in me and He is the same Spirit who conquered the grave so He is fully capable of conquering self defeating talk that doesn’t help anyone.

So, this morning the Spirit in me said – “Suzanne, stop. You did everything you could do. You apologized and you fixed the problem. What else do you expect from yourself? Do not carry this around all day.”

I listened to the Spirit, which is the me I was intended to be, the me fully in bloom, I read a couple of Psalms, and I let that crap go.

2 thoughts on “Self Talk

  1. Yeah man, you just gotta let it go. One of my favorite movie moments is in We Were Soldiers. There is a scene where a young soldier accidentally calls down bombs on his own soldiers, he starts to freak out about it, but the Colonel with him grabs him and says, “You have to forget about that one! You’re keeping us alive here!”

    1. We can get so caught up in our mistakes that we get stuck. I have absolutely been there. There is real value in finding the balance between acknowledging our sinfulness and our need for sanctification AND acknowledging that we are human and we cannot get hung up on every mistake. I have wasted so much time in the past “punishing” myself for sin that I missed out on who knows what. Forward motion. Do better next day. His mercies are new every day. Hallelujah.

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