I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. For making it all about me. Again. For missing the point. For putting myself in a position to miss You entirely. Thank You thank You thank You. For choosing me anyway.
I’m scared of hurting. I’m scared of getting attached and falling in love and having to say goodbye. Old habits, huh? I’m shared of things changing. Of saying goodbye. Of everything changing. Of how unclear the future seems right now. Of losing everything. Yet You ask me to lose everything. I’m thinking of myself. Protecting myself. I don’t want to overthink and over-expect and daydream. I want to live and love in abandon, without reservation. I want what You have for me and I want to grab it with both hands, breathe You in in great gasping breaths. Thank You thank You thank You.
Don’t let comparison steal my joy. Don’t let short-sighted desires steal my joy. Don’t let self-preservation be my motivation. What is my heart for if not opening and sharing and stretching and growing? What is life for if not this emptying to be filled again? I don’t want to hoard my gifts, my talents, my comfort, my time, my heart. I want to swing my arms open wide, run headlong, dive headfirst into relationships that last a summer, a week, a weekend. Because it’s better than not knowing and oh, it’s better than not being known. Thank You thank You thank You. You are building something beautiful and because of You I am beautiful, too.
I need clarity. I need focus and perspective and priorities. Oh Christ, be the center of my life, be the place I fix my eyes. Help my unbelief! I believe, but oh, I need help. Help my belief have feet. Help my heart convince my mind. You know best. Focusing on You is the best thing I can do. Wow. In You I am never disappointed because You are on top of it. Because You have my best in mind. Because You never leave me or forsake me. Because I am never alone. Because You go before me and You know exactly what’s coming. Because with You, I am safe.
You don’t ask me to know how. I don’t have to know the answers! I don’t even have to know the questions. I just have to be.
Oh, to be known and loved anyway. Oh, to be a daughter of the King. Oh, to be me.