Over the past couple of months I have lost some weight. I’m not sure how much because I don’t own a scale and even if I owned a scale to weigh myself now I’d have no idea how much I weighed before, because I think the last time I weighed myself was 2 Christmases ago. All I know is that in October of 2014 I weighed 240 pounds and that in August 2016 I weigh, well, less than that.
I know I’ve lost weight despite my not owning a scale because my collarbones stick out a bit more, my one pair of jeans that used to be kind of tight are falling off, my feet look skinnier (didn’t know that was a thing), and I can kind of feel my hip bones sometimes. Plus everyone keeps telling me I look skinny.
Accidental weight loss is the only kind I know, since I’ve never had any desire to do the things one generally does in order to lose weight (eating right, exercise, giving up my delicious fountain sodas, etc.). Not to mention the desire to be skinny, which I haven’t felt in years. But since I’ve been so successful at my unintentional weight loss, I thought I’d share my stumbled-upon wisdom, the method to my unanticipated success.
Step 1: Eat a lot of fast food. Like, eat fast food at least once a week for about ten years. Make sure you always get a large Coke/Dr Pepper/Cherry Pepsi.
Step 2: Get a job that doesn’t require a lot of movement. Do a lot of sit down activities. Play a lot of board games. Read a lot of books. Watch a ton of Netflix. This will set the losing weight bar super low.
Step 3: (This is where things start happening!) Move to a city that doesn’t have any fast food restaurants. Become forced to make your own food. Build your diet around cheap and easy options like eggs and pasta and free fruit. You can acquire free fruit by moving to a house with numerous fruit trees and also by being nice enough to the motoconcho drivers that he thinks he might have a shot at dating you so he’ll bring you fruit.
Step 4: Get a new job, a job that requires you to work about twice as hard for about half the money. Even if there were fast food in your new town you wouldn’t be able to afford it! Make sure your new job requires a lot of lifting and is in a building with stairs. Be sure to be easily distracted and forgetful so you have to go up and down the stairs more than necessary.
Steps 3 and 4 really go hand in hand, of course, because once you get home from walking up and down stairs all day the last thing you want to do is cook, so you’ll settle for half a pineapple or two hard boiled eggs with crackers for dinner. The transitional stress will curb your appetite as well, making you want to eat less for at least the first month in your new job/home. Added bonus!
So there you have it. Four easy steps to a lighter, more exhausted, certainly more poor you.